Al Diamon
A Mall Moves. So Do Moose. But a Bond Doesn’t.
There weren’t any earthquakes in Maine this past week. No tidal waves. Hurricane Kyle brushed the down-east coast, but it wasn’t as if it made any permanent alterations in the topography.
So, I’m not sure what natural force was to blame for this headline in the Sept. 24 Lewiston Sun Journal:
“Auburn Mall on the move.”
Tectonic plates? Poor drainage? Pilfering moles?
Unfortunately, the story only dealt with some stores opening and closing at the shopping center. It never mentioned the why or how of any physical repositioning.
Probably doesn’t matter. If you’re planning to visit the place in the near future, I don’t think you’ll have much trouble finding it. I mean, how far can a mall move in a couple of days?
On the other hand, moose can cover plenty of territory. Particularly bull moose. Especially this time of year, when they’re … um … let’s just check the official Down East style book for the correct way to broach this delicate subject. Ah, here it is:
On the rut.
That means their DNA is lusting to mingle with the DNA of assorted cow moose. It also means they’re likely to be crossing rural roads without looking both ways or giving much of a damn about your travel plans.
To reduce the number of moose interactions with large objects unsuitable for mating purposes, this was also the first week of the annual moose hunt.
More than 3,000 moose permits have been issued this year, and between 70 and 80 percent of the hunters who got them are likely to shoot one.
There’s probably a moral lesson in all this, something about the unforeseen consequences of roaming around in the dark looking for sex.
If only it were so easy to explain the seemingly irrational spasms of the financial markets. State officials discovered this past week that there’s currently no market for $50 million in bonds to fund various transportation projects.
Even though Maine’s bonds are secure and highly rated, spikes in short-term interest rates have made such purchases so unattractive that you couldn’t sell one to a moose on Viagra. The market is expected to stabilize once Congress passes some kind of bailout bill, allowing the bond sale to proceed. If that happens, no bridge or highway projects will be delayed, although some plans to move malls might have to be put off.
Beyond that, it’s tough to tell how the crisis on Wall Street will affect Maine’s economy.
Some experts say it won’t be that big a deal.
Some experts say it could be a very big deal.
What can be said with authority (even though it’s not being said by an authority) is that the fiscal turmoil is having some specific impacts in Maine. The Grand City store in Brunswick announced this past week that it will close in December due to declining sales.
Also calling it quits: GE Healthcare’s Whatman plant in Sanford, which is being consolidated with another factory in Massachusetts, leaving about 225 people jobless or facing a long commute.
And the Maine Turnpike Authority has postponed planning for widening the toll road between Scarborough and Falmouth from this year until 2012.
The reason: a drop in traffic that’s showing every indication of being as persistent as a moose in heat.
Some of the tie up may have been caused by some idiot trying to move a mall through the area.
Traffic may also be picking up around Moosehead Lake (I suppose you expect me to make a cheap joke about moose sex here, but I refuse to wallow in the gutter merely to appeal to the prurient interests of my readers) in the wake of the Land Use Regulation Commission’s decision on Sept. 24 to approve Plum Creek’s proposal for a huge development in the area.
Opponents of putting 1,000 house lots and two resorts in the midst of this semi-pristine wilderness are still contemplating whether to file lawsuits to stop the project. With potential legal delays in the works, there’s no need to rush when driving to Moosehead, thereby putting yourself at risk of colliding with giant, antlered mammals engaged in carnal relations in the middle of the road.
If you’re heading further north than Moosehead, there’s no longer any need to drive at all. New England Air Transport has started regular flights from Portland to Frenchville, with possible stops in Augusta and Presque Isle.
Roundtrip tickets cost $369 for a person. Slightly more for a mall.
If you’re flying south instead of north, you can still get a little taste of Maine. Gifford’s ice cream, made in Skowhegan, is now available at the United Nations cafeteria in New York.
I expect world peace to break out immediately after diplomats discover the Gifford’s flavor called Moose Tracks. Even if it doesn’t contain any actual moose.
If you buy your Gifford’s in Cumberland County, it could end up costing you more than elsewhere in Maine. County Manager Peter Crichton wants to impose a one-percent sales tax on local purchases to fund a new civic center.
There’s still time to shop at the lower tax rate. The idea requires approval of the Legislature, which won’t even consider the bill until 2009 or 2010. Or you could just go to Androscoggin County and buy stuff at the Auburn Mall. If you can find it.
If you’re just looking for a cool place to shop, head for Belfast. According to Budget Travel magazine, it’s one of the “10 Coolest Small Towns in America.”
Probably because you can get those moose-turd earrings there.
If you’re looking for a cool place to fish, don’t stray into Canadian waters. Best-selling author Linda Greenlaw of Isle au Haut was busted last week for venturing inside Canada’s 200-mile limit.
Greenlaw, a commercial fisherperson and author of “The Hungry Ocean,” was portrayed by that actress whose name I can never remember in the movie “The Perfect Storm.” Another of her books is “All Fishermen Are Liars,” which could make it difficult for Canadian authorities to buy her story that she only meandered over the border line because she was tracking this moving mall from Auburn.
Al Diamon can be e-mailed at aldiamon@herniahill.net.
Posted on Monday, September 29, 2008 in Permalink
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