Al Diamon
Put Your Hands in the Air and Scream
You must be at least this tall to read this article.
Do not stand up while reading.
Not responsible for objects left between paragraphs.
Every third or fourth sentence should be disregarded as a blatant fabrication.
You’ve been warned.
We’ll begin with a gradual climb, not too steep, not too high. Attendance at Acadia National Park was up this year over 2007, reaching 2.2 million visitors.
That’s the most visitors since 2004, but it’s still a long way from the 2.8 million who frolicked at Acadia in 1995. The gradual decline is attributed to semi-human fish creatures who periodically emerge from the sea to devour tourists.
Speaking of declines, the price of home heating oil is in one. After peaking at a statewide average of $4.71 a gallon in July, it’s been sliding ever since, reaching $3.82 this month.
Of course, that’s still more than a buck a gallon higher than at the same time last year.
The higher price is being attributed to semi-human fish creatures who periodically emerge from the sea to drink oil.
At least there’ll be plenty of petroleum products for them to swallow. On Sept. 17, the Bush administration released extra money for emergency home heating aid.
Maine will get an extra $7 million.
And Lone Wolf Documentary Group of South Portland is up for a research Emmy (a research Emmy? who knew there was such a thing?) on Sept. 22 for “Titanic’s Achilles Heel,” a History Channel show about how semi-human fish cre – oh, never mind
Down sharply: lottery sales in Maine. State officials do not – repeat, do not – attribute this decline to attacks by semi-human you-know-whats. That would be a ridiculous excuse, even for state officials. I mean, when was the last time you saw a fish creature lurking around a convenience store?
No, the lottery shortfall is apparently a sign of the poor economy.
Down even more: The town of Milo lost a third of its main street on Sept. 14, when a fire that appeared to have been deliberately set destroyed five businesses and several apartments.
No one was injured in the blaze, which was extinguished by firefighters from 11 communities. No arrests to date, but it wouldn’t be a stretch to think something … er … fishy was going on.
Up, up and away: Portland was named by U.S. News & World Report as one of the 10 “Best Places to Retire.”
An editor said the city was chosen because it was “so easy to stay active and healthy there.” Fleeing from piscatorial marauders will do that. Among the other winners: Issaquah, Wash., which was chosen because, “It’s hard to pronounce.”
Maine is said to produce some of the reddest apples in the country That’s according to the American Institute of Redness. I mean, how else would anyone know that?
I trust you noticed that in the last item there was no mention of fish creatures. I know when a joke has run its course. Which is: not yet.
According to reliable witnesses, strange ocean-dwelling beings are being blamed for a drop-off in municipal excise-tax collections.
No statewide figures are available, but cities and towns are reporting significant declines in the amount collected this year. Excise taxes on vehicles, boats and snowmobiles are the second largest source of revenue for Maine municipalities, after property taxes, so the impact could be significant. The poor economy may also have something to do with this trend, although it’s difficult to believe a sudden jump in the Gross Domestic Product would be enough to convince anyone to buy a new catamaran, knowing that the first time they launched it, they’d likely be dragged to a watery doom by something that looked like a reject from “Pirates of the Caribbean IV: Capt. Jack Sparrow’s Casco Bay Vacation.”
We’ve now reached the point on our rollercoaster ride (bet you thought I’d forgotten about that metaphor), where we hit a plateau. The housing market, which had been looking like the kind of black lagoon that could very easily conceal an unpleasant creature or two, seems to have bottomed out. A national expert told a real estate gathering in Portland on Sept. 18 that the local market would likely begin to recover in 2009.
As for the casino market, supporters are positively giddy. A developer from Las Vegas (motto: No semi-human fish creatures have been seen here for at least the last 100 million years) has taken over the effort to build a gambling emporium in Oxford County (motto: Fewer semi-human fish creatures than you might expect) and pledged $100 million to the effort if it’s approved by voters in November.
The Olympia Group is already running feisty TV and print ads promoting the referendum. But gambling opponents are counterattacking, pointing out that the ballot measure would lower the legal age for gambling from 21 to 19, prevent Maine’s Indian tribes from opening a competing casino for at least 10 years and allow Olympia’s Vegas-based head to sit on all state boards that receive gambling revenue.
According to polls, those provisions are making voters less giddy and more queasy. As a result, I wouldn’t sit next to them on a rollercoaster. And if you happen to find yourself in a boat with people who’ve just read the gambling initiative, you might want to put on a life vest and grab a spear gun. If the electorate heaves over the side, that chum in the water might attract more than radioactive sea gulls and mutant lobster creatures from Atlantis.
Al Diamon can be e-mailed at aldiamon@herniahill.net.
Posted on Monday, September 22, 2008 in Permalink
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